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Saturday, September 20, 2008

Who Am I?

I hate the person I have become lately.

I used to be so nice to everybody, I never talked bad about anyone, I never put my foot in my mouth. I used to be a strong, secure woman. I used to never get jealous in my relationships. I used to know exactly what I wanted and what I needed to do to get it. I used to put my all into absolutely everything I did. I used to be an overachiever.

Now I can be pretty mean sometimes, I say bad things about people - even behind their backs, and I put my foot in my mouth all the time. I don't feel so strong or secure anymore. I get jealous over Matt all the time. I don't know what I want anymore - I just have a vague notion, and no real plan for getting it. I don't put my all into anything anymore - I don't work as hard at work or school anymore, and I recently dropped a class for the first time in my college career.

I'm not the woman I want to be, which is the woman I was.

The worst part is, I feel like I can't help it. I don't know how I got here or how to get back. I don't WANT to be mean and jealous and lazy! I want to be nice and happy and ambitious and an overachiever! I want to be a strong, passionate woman who people want to be around! I want to be myself again!

I'm trying to devise a plan to get back to my normal self. For starters, prayer would be greatly appreciated as it is greatly needed. Other than that, all I've got is to try to remember what it was like to be the person I wanted to be. Try to remember the way I thought, the things I said, the feelings I experienced, the people who were important to me, and whatever it was that inspired me to be an overachiever. Once I've got a good grasp on how I used to be the person I wanted to be, I'll start doing things to make myself become that person again.