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Saturday, June 28, 2008

Depressed and Anxious

I have not been myself the past 3 months or so. I have been relatively depressed. I have felt more insecure than I ever have in my life. I have been having anxiety and panic attacks alot, and I have been really paranoid. Unfortunately for my boyfriend Matt, most of this has been directed at our relationship. I am paranoid that he's gonna cheat on me or leave me, I have anxiety and/or panic attacks when I think he's avoiding me or cheating on me or trying to break up with me or that something bad has happened to him, etc. I have been really jealous over him, and I have never been jealous before in any of my past relationships. I thought that traumatic and stressful life events had shaken me to the core and that I would just get over it with time, but 3 months is enough.

A couple days ago, I went on WebMD.com. I took a Depression Symptoms quiz and it said that I am "Higher Risk," and may be at risk for major depression. I took a "Life change stress test," which put me in the high end of Moderate (orange) on the stress scale. I read an article on panic disorder, and it turns out I have all the symptoms of panic attacks. I have apparently been having panic attacks. The article I read also said that "Panic disorder most often begins during late adolescence and early adulthood. It is twice as common in women as in men."

Then I read one about Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and it sounds just like me. "Generalized anxiety disorder or GAD is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work or school. In people with GAD, the worry often is unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities and relationships." After it listed some other symptoms it said "In addition, people with GAD often have other anxiety disorders (such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and phobias), suffer from depression, and/or abuse drugs or alcohol."

So as it turns out, there's a good chance I'm sick. That's the reason I've been messing up so bad in our relationship. I've been paranoid and anxious and depressed, and there could be a medical reason for it.

The good news is that (1) I recognized it early enough that treatment has a better chance of actually curing me, and (2) this is the hardest part and now it's over.

I have read about some home treatment options for these things. They are pretty doable, actually. Things like stop drinking caffeine, stop eating too much chocolate, exercise everyday, eat a healthier diet, ask for help with homework/work/chores, do things that reduce stress like calm breathing and meditation, maintain your relationships with friends and family, and seek support after a bad experience (talk it out with someone who cares).

I'm gonna try out these home remedies, and I have asked my boyfriend (and he asked out friends) for support. I'm hoping that with all of that stuff put together I can work up enough will power to get over whatever's left of it after the remedies I mentioned have had the chance to do their job. After a month or two, if I'm still not better or at least improving, I'm gonna go see a doctor about it.

So if you're reading this, please send a prayer my way. I could use it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I miss God

It's about to rain, and I like that. When the weather is still and grey like this, I like to think deep thoughts. I do this alot.

I've started to realize that I really miss God. Last night I listened to some worship music, read a few verses from the New Testament that I had highlighted in my Bible, and prayed for an array of things. It felt really good. It was like going to lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in ages. I miss being close to God. I hate it when it gets to the point that I feel like I'm just going through the motions, so I get bummed out and eventually I quit even going through the motions.

God, if You're reading this, I'm ready to come back again.