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Friday, March 21, 2008

Coping Mechanism

This is something I'm doing to help me get over my break up with Anthony, which I'm taking a little bit harder than I originally thought. This exercise has helped me feel a whole lot better though, and I think I'm a very good deal closer to being over the pain and heartbreak completely and reaching a place where I can be friends with Anthony again - talking on a regular basis, visiting each others' houses every couple months, hanging out with friends on a weekend or two. I would like to be at that place with him, as I want him in my life but don't think I could be romantically involved with him again.

So here are the contents of the note: Things I Won't Miss About Anthony, Things I'm Angry at Anthony For, Five Incidents When I Knew it Wasn't Working For Us, Things I Wanted that Anthony Couldn't Give Me, Things I Would Have Changed if I Could Have, Things That I Did Like/Will Miss About Anthony, and Things I Appreciate Anthony For.

Anthony: I hope you read this with an open mind. It will seem a little harsh at times, but it is just my way of working through my feelings. Don't think that I hate you, because I don't, and I am very anxious to get to a place where we are truly best friends. If there is anything in this note that upsets you, please talk to me about it. Feel free to write something like this of your own if you want.

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THINGS I WON'T MISS ABOUT ANTHONY

1. His lack of ambition
2. His seeming inability to graduate from college
3. His inability to plan ahead
4. The way he needs guidance to get anything done
5. His cowardice
6. His defeatist attitude
7. His indifference to his health (and his poor health outlook)
8. His jealousy/trust issues
9. His oversensitivity
10. The way I always had to be "the man" of the relationship
11. His low to non-existant sex drive (not that we were having sex, but still...)
12. His unreadiness to get married
13. His laziness
14. His poor money management skills
15. The way he kisses up to his mom sometimes
16. His inability/unwillingness to change and resistance to change in general
17. His immaturity
18. His extreme shyness (I'm shy, but he's borderline ridiculous!)
19. Our differing views about why church is important
20. The way he seemed like he was never happy (and now I know that's apparently my fault)

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THINGS I'M ANGRY AT ANTHONY FOR

1. His hypocrisy in being the one to break up with me when I had tried twice to break up with him and once to suggest a "break," and stopped short all 3 times because he got upset. He didn't seem very worried about hurting my feelings.

2. The fact that he was too much of a coward to break up with me in person, so he did it over the phone.

3. The fact that he broke up with me just when I was trying my hardest to fix things between us.

4. The fact that he blindsided me with it and didn't give me ANY advanced warning.

5. The fact that he didn't give me a chance to fix things like I had given him back in November (and the fact that he put forth little to no effort to that effect).

6. The way he suddenly stopped loving me.

7. The fact that this is the first time he has ever taken charge or control of our relationship, and now it's over.

8. The fact that the first time I found out he didn't like going to the movies was when he changed his Facebook profile after the break up. He kept secrets from me after 3 years together! WHY?!

9. The fact that he did this so nonchalantly, without a tear and felt relieved.

10. The fact that he lied about wanting to go to Disney World with me this May, probably among many other similar lies he's told me.

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FIVE INCIDENTS WHEN I KNEW IT WASN'T WORKING

In order of appearance:

1. When he proposed and I said yes probably 90% to keep from hurting him.
2. When I gradually realized that I didn't love him (romantically) anymore.
3. When I realized that - even given the means to do so - he wouldn't do necessary things (like buy a new car or go to the doctor about the ingrown toenail he's had since BEFORE WE STARTED DATING!)
4. When I realized that I would graduate from college before he would.
5. When I realized that I had begun to think of him as immature and ignorant - in short I began to resent him for a while around November of 2007.

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THINGS I WANTED THAT ANTHONY COULDN'T GIVE ME

1. The option of someday being a stay-at-home mom if I wanted to
2. The opportunity to feel like a woman - in the relationship and in the bedroom
3. Emotional stability
4. A husband I could be proud of in his accomplishments
6. Happiness (it's sad but true - happy as friends, miserable as lovers)

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THINGS I WOULD HAVE CHANGED IF I COULD HAVE

1. I would have kept us closer to God
2. I would make him more mature
3. I would make him more confident
4. I would give him TONS of ambition
5. I would improve his health outlook
6. I would have given us more in common (we had loads already, but still...)
7. I would have kept our passion burning
8. I would give him a higher sex drive
9. I would have made him graduate and get a career in 2007
10. I would have made him "the man" of the relationship

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THINGS THAT I DID LIKE/WILL MISS ABOUT ANTHONY

1. The things we had in common
2. The way we used to love each other so deeply
3. The way he made me laugh
4. The hard times he helped me through
5. His sweet, sensitive, understanding personality
6. His attentiveness to me
7. The way he treated me SO good
8. The way he always felt like I was too good for him (I wasn't, but still...)
9. The way I was able to unconditionally trust him (until the break up...)
10. All of the fond memories

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THINGS THAT I APPRECIATE ANTHONY FOR

1. Helping me grow and mature
2. Making me happy (at least for a time)
3. Helping me to feel better about myself
4. Helping me learn what true love is
5. Being my best friend

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Thanks for the memories, Anthony. Now let's be friends.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

So...I'm Single

As what would have been our 3 year anniversary (April 10) approaches, tonight for what has been a long time coming Anthony and I had a frank discussion about our relationship and our feelings towards each other. Some of my very closest friends know that I had been considering breaking our engagement for some time now, but tonight Anthony expressed to me that he was worried that we were going down the wrong path. We discussed it maturely and calmly and mutually decided that we are going to take a break and date other people. This break may or may not be permanent, but it looks more than likely permanent. Here are our reasons for separating:

1. We feel that we don't love each other anymore romantically
2. We both feel that I have changed and am not the person I was 3 years ago
3. We feel that we have rushed ourselves a bit
4. Anthony is not ready to get married
5. All the small differences that get in the way piled up

We are both fine and are perfectly content to still be friends. Neither of us have regrets about the time we spent together, and we feel that we each taught each other valuable life lessons.

If you're wondering how I'm doing: I'm a little shellshocked, as can be imagined, but I'm not depressed or anything like that. I hate being single though, so I'm sure that will take a toll on me soon enough and I'll be ready for a boyfriend again pretty soon.

So yeah, there's that.