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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

What I Want in a Man

This is a list of everything I could possibly want in a man. This list describes what I want in my perfect mate, and a relationship with this man will last forever. This is the man I will marry, and this is the man I love. I hope my man is reading this and realizing just how perfect he is.

I want a man who is a Christian. I want him to love God, believe that Jesus Christ died for his sins, be saved, be going to heaven, read his Bible, and pray at least once a day. I want him to go to church at least once a week, but I don't care how involved he is there. I want him to have faith, not religion, and I don't want him to be fake or flaky with his Christianity.

I want a man who is faithful and loyal. I want him to want me and me alone. I want him to trust me, and I want him to show me that I can trust him. I want him to be so in love with me that he doesn't even think about other women anymore. I want him to be 100% honest with me 100% of the time. I want him to tell me all of his secrets, not keep them from me. I want him to want to take care of me. I want him to want to spend the rest of his life with me.

I want a man who is patient and understanding. I want him to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. I want him to take the time to listen and understand my problems. I want him to be patient with me when I make a mistake. I want him to understand and be patient with all of my quirks and annoying habits; things like the fact that I'm a crazy picky eater who can't swim and has a deathly fear of sharp objects of all shapes and sizes including dinner knives.

I want a man who is emotionally well-balanced. I want him to be sensitive, but not so much so that I feel like I have to constantly walk on eggshells to keep from hurting his feelings. I want him to be confident in himself, but not so much so that he comes across as a self-righteous jerk. I want him to be open with me about his feelings, but I don't want him to be depressed all the time.

I want a man who treats me with respect. I want him to respect my body, respect my mind, respect my faith, and respect my abilities. I want him to think I am worth the wait. I want him to treat me like a lady. I want him to respect my family and his as much as he respects me. I want him to be respectful to people in general.

I want a man who makes me feel special. I want him to get excited when I call him or send him a text message or leave him a wall post on Facebook. I want him to get butterflies in his stomach when I walk into the room. I want him to feel happy when I smile at him. I want him to be attracted to me. I want him to think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. I want him to try to make me feel special by doing things for me or telling me how much I mean to him or telling me how pretty I am. I want him to make me a V.I.P. in his life. I want to know things about him that no one else knows, I want to see a side of him that no one else sees, I want to share things with him that no one else shares, and I want him to share those things with me because I am special to him.

I want a man who loves me first and my body second. I want him to love me for who I am, what I believe in, how I act, how I talk, my likes and dislikes, and my personality. I want him to emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually love me. I want him to think I'm beautiful, but I want that to be a bonus to him; I don't want him to want my body but not my mind. I want him to want both.

I want a man who loves me with every fiber of his being. I want him to love me heart, body, and mind. I want him to want me so bad he can't stand it. I want him to miss me like crazy when we're not together. I want him to tell me everyday just how much he loves me, and I want that to take a long time. I want him to love me enough to want to marry me, take care of me, and raise a family with me. I want him to love me so much that he can't picture his future without me in it. I want him to love me so much he can't even put it into words to tell me how much he loves me. I want him to love me until the day I die and forever after that.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Did You Take Me Out of Your Mind?

Well, today I am working 6 hours and I literally finished all my assignments in 21 minutes, so I'm going to write a really long note about some things that have been weighing on me. I know no one will probably read it, but I desperately want everyone to, because I think it will help people understand me better.

I know I can come across as not wanting people to be around me, or I can give the impression that I don't want to talk to people. But that's completely not the case, and I wish I could figure out how to stop making it seem that way. It's just in my personality to be introverted, when all I really want is to be extroverted and friendly. I have tried alot of different things to make some friends since I started college. Not just acquaintances who maybe wave at me as they walk by--I have a ton of those. I mean real friends--the kind you trust with your secrets, the kind you call to cheer you up when you're sad, the kind that call you at 3 in the morning to cry about their big break up, the kind that you would even die for. And I have to admit that I've made 2 or 3 that are pretty close to that, but that is nowhere near what I want. I am a people person trapped in the body of a shy, socially awkward, quiet loner.

I hate sitting at home by myself listening to sad songs and willing the phone to ring (though I don't think very many people even have my phone number). I hate never going anywhere because I don't know where to go and I know that I'll be alone when I get there. I hate being alone in a crowded room. I hate standing in a room full of people having conversations with other people, often people that they barely know, and being the one that no one wants to talk to. I hate being so sad and lonely all the time. I hate the fact that most of the time when I do get hopeful and think I'm making a friend, it turns out that all I'm doing is imposing on the other person's limited hospitality, and when that runs out I get accused of being a stalker, freaking them out, being obsessed with them, the list goes on and on, and more than one person has done that to me. I hate the fact that I'm about to have to start working with one of those exact people on a project, and he is being so nice to me, like it never happened, like time really did heal all those wounds; and I am eating it up, and I am gonna fall hook line and sinker for the same trick again. But having a few months' worth of really good conversations feels so good. It's like a high I get from human contact.

I don't want attention, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to take a genuine interest in me. I want people to want to hang out with me. I want friends like I had when I was in high school. I want somebody who has as much in common with me as Kristian and I used to before I met John and did a 180. I want somebody who knows me as well as Brittanie and I knew each other before she met Dusty, all but stopped talking to me, got pregnant, got married, etc. I want somebody who talks and laughs with me the way Samantha talked and laughed with me before she joined the millitary. I want somebody to be my big brother the way Eric was my big brother before we made the mistake of dating and ruining everything. I want somebody who enjoys spending time with me the way Holly and I used to before I graduated and we lost touch.

It's just so frustrating that I used to be able to make really good friends. It's also frustrating to think that I lost all of them. Not always by my own screw-ups, but enough that it makes me feel like crap. I just wish I could remember how I did it then.

Why do I love so hard? Do I smother people with caring? Is that it?

"Love ain't always a party." -Jonezetta in "Get Ready (Hot Machete)"