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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Church Life

Dear Lord,

I went to church Sunday! I'm getting better at that. It seems like once a month I go a week without church (or in some cases, once a week I go a month without church). I know that going to church is not the most important part of my relationship with You, but it's in the Bible and it's a good idea. I get nurtured there. Not as much as I used to, but I do; and I learn alot about You and the Bible and prayer, which I desperately need to hear. I get fellowship there. Not as much as I'd like, but I guess that's partially my fault because I don't talk to people enough. I wish I could get closer to You by going to church, the way I used to.

I guess what I'm asking is that You help me get more out of church. Show me how to make more friends to have Christian fellowship with so that I can have people to talk to about You and about anything. Show me how to worship You with reckless aband while the music is live and free and all about You so that I can feel Your presence. Show me how to absorb the message the pastor delivers and make something out of it so that I can make my everyday life more about You. Show me how to give generously and cheerfully so that I can reap the benefits. Show me how to get more out of church so that I can get closer to You!

Lord, help me get closer to You in every way: in my Bible study, in my prayer life, and in my church going. I'm not going to stop praying about this until I can feel You near me everyday. I love You with all my heart and soul, Lord, and I know You love me even more than that, and I want to feel that love the way only You can make me feel it.

Thank You for sending Your only Son to die in my place so that I can be Your imperfect child, rambling about not being able to feel You when You're right here with me even as I speak. I am not worthy to come to You like this: whenever and however I want. But You welcome me with open arms everytime I come. And for that, I will love You for all eternity. Please, come closer and let me feel Your love for me.

Your Humble Servant,
Amanda

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Working on My Prayer Life

Dear Lord,

I've been reading my Bible a little bit more often (well, alot more often than I used to, but not as much as I should or I'd like to) and it's helping me feel a little bit closer to You. I still can't stop picturing You as Someone far away up in the heavens looking down on me with vague concern, but I'm getting better. I'm working on meeting You where You really are--right here inside of me.

But while my Word life is improving, my prayer life is still blech. I want to have more organized prayer, and I think typing it is helping me to do that alot. Maybe it's time to dust off the old prayer journal for the times when I'm not online. After a while of written prayer, maybe I'll be ready to go back to spoken prayer and be good at it again. I guess that's why I pray in tongues so much now. I feel like I'm getting my point across so much more clearly when I can't understand what I'm saying.

I know You know what I'm saying whether or not I'm making any sense. I just need this for me. I feel like I would feel so much closer to You if I knew how to talk to you right. Please help me get this right, Lord, so I can talk to You the way You meant for Your children to talk to You.

Your Humble Servant,
Amanda

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

An Awesome Day

Today I went to the DMV to take my driver's test (again). Gosh, I'm such a terrible driver. I suck at it and I hate it and if I could get by without ever having to drive I would happily do so, lol. But anyways, I managed to get this:



That's right! I got it! w00t! So I was extremely happy about that.

Then I had to go to the doctor about my headaches. Luckily, it's not my migraines again and he didn't make me do an MRI! w00t for Dr. Sands! Lol. Anyways, Dr. Sands told me it was tension headaches (surprise surprise, lol) and that I'm allowed to take up to 4 Ibuprofen (in the words of Mr Night, wheeeeeeeeee) every 6-8 hours for them as needed. That's prescription strength, so don't worry about me ODing on advil, lol. While we were there my mom was like "Let's give her some shots!" Dr. Sands (awesome as he is) reacts like this to the word "shot:" So I got the first of 3 shots for HBV and I have to go in when they get the meningococcal (can you believe I can spell that? lol) vaccine, which there is a national shortage of.

Then I came home and talked to Anthony for a while. Then I got online and now I'm an other on the CR.net boards! w00t! I'm OtherXcore. Heck yeah. Today rocked, lol.

Friday, July 7, 2006

A Stupid, Stupid Human - Imperfect in Every Way

Dear God,

I'm not feeling the best today--my body is having trouble lining up with Your word as it far too often does--so I may not be in the best of spirits, but I need to talk to You badly. My prayer life lately has sucked. I don't even know what's going on and I'm not gonna try to make excuses for myself, it's my fault and that's all there is to it. I'm sorry.

I'm so distraught right now, and I have been for a while. I feel like I'm not even connected to You anymore. It's like You're not a part of me anymore, it's like You're some distant grandfather-type figure out in the cosmos somewhere taking a vague interest in my life. I want it to be like it was two years ago when I first recommitted my life to You. I want You now even worse than I needed You then. I want my God back.

I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I know I was before, but it's like it's all been drained out. I want effective prayer. When I pray it's like nothing's going on at all. There's nothing. I don't even know the words I could use anymore. I want you back in my life and I have for months now. I've been praying for it and it hasn't been happening. I don't know what to do anymore. Just tell me what I need to do to meet You where You are, please. I miss You.

~Amanda